June 30th, 2009 / No Comments » / by admin
this is ridiculous and warm and fuzzy and i should almost make it private. but i’m going to try to take Becca’s advice and just.. go for it. i’m going to live im going to be happy. i’m going to try. i’m going to be a better person for myself and im going to do it now.
i’m actually in a good mood, so i’m going to try this out. i’m not sure why i have this place anymore because i really only come here when i’m feeling morbid? or something… and im not sure that’s so healthy. or maybe it is. since its not hard liquor, self induced vomiting or sobbing phone calls made only to people i know are too far away to actually help me. those are my specialty.
but moving on. today i am going to write something happy. thats my goal. the point of documenting this isnt for others to see it but for me to read it in a year or two. because medically, they think i should be here in a year or two, and that is pretty awesome. i should enjoy that more often. i should say that outloud, more often. i am going to be happy healthy and fine. i am going to be 25, i am going to be 30, im going to grow old and have kids and get married. hopefully not in the order unless thats how i was planning it.
writing is a lot harder when i’m trying to write something happy. its been awhile since ive been happy, and not manic so you’ll have to bare with me. i met a boy, he makes me happy. i might go to ucla, and that would make me extremely happy. sunshine and palm trees? happy
i read the archieves of this site (which basically dont exist) and i was much happier at the beginning of it. when i was still grossly ill. whats up with that? oh, im not dying right now you say? ohh. well then. allow me to become morose.
freaking ridiculous.
im not very good at showing it but i am actually much better right now. im still waiting for my sense of humor to come back with my ability to write, but i swear, its coming. so i figure, just in case i fall back into morose-ness, here’s a note to myself for later:
happy stuff:
1. green tea in giant mugs that you just hold till its lukewarm and then only get to drink half of because cold tea is icky
2. sushi. dana. call dana. even if shes living in dubai. call dana.
3. friday night dinners with grandma, and the whole family. dorky card games, the lace table cloth and pretending to know more about politics then you do.
4. late nights, good books, dim lighting, long showers
5. when julia smiles at you, and sing songs your name (ant-ie). seeing joe.
6. jeff. jeff from the asshole who beat the shit out of you and hated life to jeff now. change, growth, success and happiness.
7. cooking. eat the food you make. make food you can eat. dont worry so much, your mouth will blister before you swallow
8. leaving. you can always leave, explore, travel and exist elsewhere. theres a world beyond the bubble. find it.
9. coming home. its stable, its here and theyre trying. its not going anywhere
10. there are people you know now, have known or will meet.. perfect strangers, who want to help, if you let them.
love you
me
Posted in: Uncategorized
Tags: happy, list
June 25th, 2009 / No Comments » / by admin
its weird how this site seems to be about being bipolar. its not the illness i thought i was writing about.
tick tock (banana rock?)
Posted in: Uncategorized
May 12th, 2009 / 1 Comment » / by admin
doctors were wrong: still dont give a fuck.
i’ll see what i can manage.
I’m back in school now (i got pulled out again).. doing 6 summer credits plus the 15 credits i have extentions on from last semester. working 25 hours a week. ditched one shrink and the other one yells at me a lot of doing too much, but what can you do. silence and emptyness ring too loudly around my head lately, it’s all i can do to fill them, to keep things up and off suicide watch. you know.
no, you dont.
…oh.
anyway, its not all bad, im making progress, one foot in front of the other is all you can really ask for when youre dragging yourself back to civilization. im leaving my house. i am getting out of bed. i am meeting new people. i am smiling when i am supposed to and giggling at their jokes. im flirting and dancing and drinking. i am spending too much money on hot skinny jeans (i know. i know. i caved.). im covering the black hole with pretty stable looking wallpaper.
i met this guy named josh, whos bipolar too. i dont know any for real bipolar people, just people who say theyre bipolar because they had some issues in high school once and think they can relate. i resent those people, but i wish i didnt. i’ll add getting over that to my goals list. but anyway, i met josh. he comes form a family of bipolar disporder, which is more common then me.. where it skipped a generation and then generation before me is dead. he’s older than me too, so i find talking to him useful.. but though he is much more stable im not sure he’s got it all together either.. and he seems to have a hate on for meds. im so tired of everyone whos not a doctor (and even some who are) judging me for my medication. get the fuck over it already. even if you can relate, even if youve been through this all before.. maybe it will work for me. maybe it wont. i dont know. but its something. im trying something. cant we just cling to that?
im upsetting myself.
i blew off work today, said i was swollen for my allergic reaction still. im not, well i am but not so much i couldnt have gone. i just wanted to sleep and be alone. im worried about that. so i agreed to go with my friends to get drunk all weekend at their oceanside cottage. im always excited about that place. and the bon fires. and pom with her guitar.
i have such good friends, and such a good family. such good people. i wish i could enjoy them all the time, and i wish i could plan these week long trips without worrying so much i will freak out and ruin life for them. they all seem to handle me well now though, i think theyre finally getting a hang of it. bless em.
im volunteering with underprivledged kids for the enxt 2 months. im extremely excited, and a little nervous. i want to be good at it, but i think i would resent a bunch of rich ass white kids coming to teach me art, if the situations were reversed. but chances are, these kids arent as bitter as i am. here’s to hoping.
i hadnt realized i had so much to sy. maybe ill try this again tomorrow.
Posted in: Uncategorized
Tags: bipolar
April 7th, 2009 / No Comments » / by admin
this sort of fell apart, for awhile there.
epival makes me want to die. you’d think they’d have worked that out with anti depressants so wanting to die WASN’T a side effect. im not much of a sucidal person when left to my own devices. why are my mood stabalizers the thing ruining that for me? eh? eh?
anyway. on medical elave from life, again, while i detox off extremely high doses of things so i can fill my veins with something new in a month and a half. on the upside, i now have a ridiculous amount of free time and i hear in a couple weeks i might actually give a fuck enough to do something again. im pretty stoaked about that.
life: 1 medicated haze: 0
back soon with real words, new layouts and maybe, possibly something actually worth reading
Posted in: Uncategorized
January 7th, 2009 / 2 Comments » / by admin
sometimes, you just need the confidence boost.
i just snapped this picture real quick to show a friend so you cant really see it well, but theres red peek a boo pieces. my hairdresser makes me smilllle.. after she chops of my right arm for reinbursment. sigh
Posted in: Uncategorized
Tags: hair, picture
January 2nd, 2009 / No Comments » / by admin
in 2008 i…
+ took an entire semester off school, to be a little dead inside
+completed my first self directed studio and rocked it, mid mental collapse
+ got bailed on by someone i thought i could trust, again
+ had a trashy one night stand
+ became allergic to so many things i cant even list them all
+ almost died on 5 seperate occasions
+ started carrying epipens, wearing a medic alert bracelet
+stopped being friends with chanel, one i probably should have kept
+ ended the bryce storyline, once and for all
+ saw my brother get engaged
+ got stable on bipolar meds (just barely)
+ fell apart, mentally, physically and otherwise
+ put myself back together
+ lost an extreme amount of weight
+ worked at the ALS society, then left because of the horrendous bitch of an executive director
+ started working at a printshop that teaches the mentally disabled work skills
+ met kaily and katrina, 2 of the best people on the planet
+ had a really shitty time on every single holiday, except easter
+ completed my 3rd and half of my 4th year at art school
+ barely saw one of my best friends
+ had my house under construction for 4 entire months.
+ broke my foot! on the phone with that guy who bailed on me
+ ate sushi with raw fish (and enjoyed it, and did it several more times)
+ didnt drink for 8 months
probably lots more, i’ll update soon…
feeling a little lost these days..
Posted in: Uncategorized
Tags: holiday, list, new years
November 30th, 2008 / No Comments » / by admin
the wifey and i got some sushi. i havent seen her much at all these past few months. makes me sad inside.
gluten, diary, sugar n egg free waffles. mmm delicious.
for some reason we all keep trying this like the pictures will eventually get less terrible or work out sometime. they never do. self portraits are bad people. bad.
haha. i just found this the other day though its like a year old. my hair in its naturally curly state
Posted in: Uncategorized
November 30th, 2008 / No Comments » / by admin
i saw this movie. called dakota. about a mid-to late twenties guy who tries to kill himself and then his high school friends all come back home to see him on like suicide watch or whatever you want to call it. and it was slow at the beginning. very slow. but it was very good. hit some nails right on the head i think. and it was canadian. and shot in canada. and depicted as in canada.
SO WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THE NAME?
theres no characters, no street names, no locations, no mentions. seriously. i dont get it. i cant figure it out. its driving. me. nuts.
Posted in: Uncategorized
Tags: random
November 27th, 2008 / No Comments » / by admin
so i mayyy have fallen of the internet for a while. oops.
finals end next friday, which is extremely exciting. just one gigantic essay, a business plan, a portfolio revamp and a custom fitted and tailored jacket to go, people!
but on to the point.
i like mail. i like the concept of mail. i like that is heavy and you can hold it and someone spent the time and effort to buy stamps and walk their lazy internet fed bodies down to a mail box and stuck it in.
and then many moons later, it appears, neatly placed in a metal thing attached to my house, thanks to a not so friendly man, one i affectionately call ‘not the milkman’, assuming my dog isnt tied outside at the attempted time of delivery. ITS LIKE MAGIC. my neighbors like the mail too, as i also like checking the mail when im woken up by the obscene noise my dog is making outside and respond by swinging the door open with no pants on. apparently. well at least, thats what repeated incidents would imply.
i also like christmas. i will say i hate christmas later, when its actually christmas and people are all living in my house and invading my space and breaking my shit and tormenting my dog. but i do actually like christmas. and its not even for the free shit (though that is a nice perk. not one thats happening this year as everybody’s money has been directed to the ‘flying to the dominican in feb for brothers wedding’ fund. but, usually) or the food (because i cant eat any) but, shockingly, its the people. my family aggravates me, but i do like them. sometimes. begrudgingly. (even my sister in law if shes drunk! which she never is, because she has a cutie one year old) i like that it is an acknowledged time where everyone thinks of people other then themselves for once and that everyone sees their family (blood, chosen or both).
every year at christmas, my grandma gets a stack of christmas cards higher then… something high. like at least 50 or so. and she waves em off and shoves them in a stack on top of her stereo unit (gma so balla) and i get like 2, and they are the most fantastic moments of my life.
so here’s what im getting at, my 2 faithful readers: do you like mail? then i would like to mail you a christmas card, and provide you with a fantastic moment in your life.
if youre special, i might even use some of my hand screenprinted ones. those ones be worth $$ someday, when i’m filthy rich and famous. eh? eh?
also, if you dont celebrate christmas. i will still mail you a christmas card. its more fun then that way! also, i’m too poor for multiple card set buying. think of it as a festive picture. what the hell does a festivas card really look like, anyway?
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(yeah i was too lazy to make a real form. what of it.)
Posted in: Uncategorized
Tags: holiday, project, ramble
November 15th, 2008 / No Comments » / by admin
well.
i went on a date last week with a guy i thought i really liked.
he got back with his ex girlfriend i knew nothing about, i think.
oh.
my saturday night plans got ruined cuz i stayed too late at my works charity auction.
i didnt realize that until after i got soaked in the rain trying to catch a bus since i missed my drive.
oh.
i have a huge oral presentation talking about myself and my work with visuals and whatever. monday. havent even thought about it.
oops.
im attempting to remedy it with bad 80s music. but, you know.
i wish i’d stayed in bed today.
Posted in: Uncategorized
